So my relationship with my girlfriend lasted for all of 9 days. It's wasn't working too well because she lived over an hour away and was working constantly. I could tell that it was coming before that. She didn't seem as enthused as I did about being together. Every time I would make an attempt to arrange a time for us to see each other, something else would come up. Which to a point is understandable; we both have very full schedules, but after a while one has to start to wonder...
So I did, I began where I was on her priorities list as compared to where I placed her on mine. And I made the prediction that she didn't really want to be with me. We had made a few plans to see each other, all of which she would cancel so that I wouldn't be able to make any alternative plans. Several times I was left at home sitting doing nothing particular.
I've seen this type of attitude before and it indicates that that person doesn't want to see you. Regardless of the rigidness of one's schedule, you can always find time to do something you want to do. If that weren't the case, procrastination or hobbies wouldn't exist for those who have a, "full" schedule.
Anyway I caught on quick. It worked like this: we would make plans, and I would let her know when exactly I would be coming (or ask her what time she would be coming) the day of, and she would (this is via text) take a long time to respond, so long at times that I would have to ask again, and then I'd hear an excuse.
I broke up with her saying like, if you aren't sure about this then it probably isn't right to be together (via text, she was at work). The next day, she called and told me that it wasn't working for her. I guess I was too subtle the night before.
We talked for a little while. I told her the truth, how I felt about her. That she was an awesome girlfriend the first time around. I wasn't audibly upset because I saw it coming, but I was still bummed out. I had already associated the song Cinema (Skrillex remix) with her and that sucked because it is an amazing song and now I think about her when I hear it.
Later that night she called me back telling me she made a mistake and that she wanted me back. Normally my pride wouldn't allow that to happen, to be at the whim of another's feelings, but I could tell that she wasn't being genuine. So I took her back. I did, not because I was hoping for it to work, but because I think that she was trying to get rid of the guilt of ending the relationship. I detest people doing stuff like that, so I decided to play her game. On the other hand, if I'm wrong, maybe things would work out.
So right now we are together technically. We don't talk much, we haven't seen each other. And she does the same thing where we make plans and she breaks them so close to the time that I can't do anything instead. Basically, I'm hoping that she learns not to use other people to get rid of her guilt.
The reason that I think she's motivated by selfish interests (getting rid of her guilt) is because it's normal to feel guilty after breaking up with someone, and the easiest way to get rid of guilt is to make the reason why the couple isn't together the other persons fault. So if I were to say, "no, we cannot be together, live with your choice" I would essentially be saying, "we are not together by my choice now". All the responsibility is shifted from one party to the other.
Showing posts with label Relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationship. Show all posts
Monday, January 16, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
On Cheating
Sorry I haven't made a post in a while. I found a time sapping website that, I won't name to save you all. Thank me later.
Anyway, I couldn't sleep last night. You've probably have had this happen on occasion, where your brain decides to think about and contemplate everything about everything. Anyway I got to thinking about cheating and what one should do after one cheats.
I'm not going to color anyone's opinion and say whether I have or haven't cheated. If I haven't it's implied that I believe I'm better than that, if I haven't then some may see me as morally despicable. That being said, I don't believe anyone is above cheating because circumstances play heavily into whether one cheats or not. I do believe that individuals have control over what circumstances they get themselves in (you chose to go to the lingerie party, take a few more shots of tequila, etc).
I believe that everyone has their tipping point where they will cheat. I don't believe when someone says that they will never cheat. I perceive that statement as naive because it implies that you have complete control over your actions and can make informed decisions no matter what. That means those who claim that they wound never cheat should be able to drunk drive without any increased risk. I'm not saying everyone is equally prone to cheating, but everyone has the capacity to, and given the right circumstances will cheat, regardless of .
That being said, what I really am curious about is what should one do after one cheats?
This question is not as black and white as, "tell her/him" or, "don't tell her/him". There is extensive interplay of factors, three of which I identify as: intent has to be considered the significant other's feelings, and your guilt.
When I first started talking about this with one of my friends months ago and subsequently thought about it last night I assumed that guilt of the act would be universal meaning everyone would feel bad about what they did to some varying extent. I no that this is not true in all cases, but in most it is and it's the case that is most interesting.
Assuming one feels guilt after the act, our culture has taught us that the best thing to do is to tell the truth, to be morally sound. It's assumed that, in doing this, the guilt will be relieved, and the relationship hurt (at least the perception of the relationship on your partner's end will be hurt, you coming clean is an attempt to restore honesty to the relationship, even if your intent is to end the relationship by revealing your transgressions). I see this act as selfish.
The main reasons for telling your partner that you cheated is to relieve your own guilt and restore the honesty in the relationship. That's just your perspective. In your partner's perspective, there is nothing wrong assuming your guilt hasn't manifested in other ways and your transgression isn't symptom of some larger problem with the relationship. In any case, you being honest only helps yourself and not your partner.
This is the hypothetical I think about when making my assertion that coming clean isn't a good idea:
You love your partner, but you drink too much one night and some girl is all over you and with your reduced ability to make sound decisions, you cheat. You wake up the next morning with deep regret and guilt. Your partner who thinks everything is fine and trusts you wakes up wherever she lives thinking everything is hunky dory. You could:
A) Tell your partner, making yourself feel better because our culture taught us that the right thing to do is to tell the truth. This cultivates insecurities and questions of self worth in your partner that maybe lasting, damages an otherwise great relationship (usually permanently).
In this scenario, 3 things are damaged (hurt) you, your partner, and the relationship.
B) Assuming that what you did was truly unintentional and you are going to not put yourself in the same circumstances, you keep it to yourself, preserving your partners happiness and the relationship, while shouldering the guilt yourself. If you can do it and not act guilty than this is clearly better than option, "A" since only one person is hurt.
C) You can continue cheating or putting yourself in the same circumstances that caused the mess while not telling your partner to preserve their feelings and the relationship. (Asshole)
Society's expectations a side, I believe, "B" is the best option. If you feel guilty the punishment should be the guilt you feel. Your partner shouldn't have to bear the pain of your mistake. That being said, I would hate if my partner cheated on me and didn't tell me. But if I never learned it would be as if it didn't happen. It's that whole, "if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" question. If you cheat on your partner and they don't know, relative to their knowledge, did you cheat? I think not. (relative to you, you did of course).
I'd love to hear your opinions. This is something that is highly debatable.
*I also assume and believe that cheating is never morally right, regardless of partner's actions. Unless you posit some outlandish hypothetical.*
Anyway, I couldn't sleep last night. You've probably have had this happen on occasion, where your brain decides to think about and contemplate everything about everything. Anyway I got to thinking about cheating and what one should do after one cheats.
I'm not going to color anyone's opinion and say whether I have or haven't cheated. If I haven't it's implied that I believe I'm better than that, if I haven't then some may see me as morally despicable. That being said, I don't believe anyone is above cheating because circumstances play heavily into whether one cheats or not. I do believe that individuals have control over what circumstances they get themselves in (you chose to go to the lingerie party, take a few more shots of tequila, etc).
I believe that everyone has their tipping point where they will cheat. I don't believe when someone says that they will never cheat. I perceive that statement as naive because it implies that you have complete control over your actions and can make informed decisions no matter what. That means those who claim that they wound never cheat should be able to drunk drive without any increased risk. I'm not saying everyone is equally prone to cheating, but everyone has the capacity to, and given the right circumstances will cheat, regardless of .
That being said, what I really am curious about is what should one do after one cheats?
This question is not as black and white as, "tell her/him" or, "don't tell her/him". There is extensive interplay of factors, three of which I identify as: intent has to be considered the significant other's feelings, and your guilt.
When I first started talking about this with one of my friends months ago and subsequently thought about it last night I assumed that guilt of the act would be universal meaning everyone would feel bad about what they did to some varying extent. I no that this is not true in all cases, but in most it is and it's the case that is most interesting.
Assuming one feels guilt after the act, our culture has taught us that the best thing to do is to tell the truth, to be morally sound. It's assumed that, in doing this, the guilt will be relieved, and the relationship hurt (at least the perception of the relationship on your partner's end will be hurt, you coming clean is an attempt to restore honesty to the relationship, even if your intent is to end the relationship by revealing your transgressions). I see this act as selfish.
The main reasons for telling your partner that you cheated is to relieve your own guilt and restore the honesty in the relationship. That's just your perspective. In your partner's perspective, there is nothing wrong assuming your guilt hasn't manifested in other ways and your transgression isn't symptom of some larger problem with the relationship. In any case, you being honest only helps yourself and not your partner.
This is the hypothetical I think about when making my assertion that coming clean isn't a good idea:
You love your partner, but you drink too much one night and some girl is all over you and with your reduced ability to make sound decisions, you cheat. You wake up the next morning with deep regret and guilt. Your partner who thinks everything is fine and trusts you wakes up wherever she lives thinking everything is hunky dory. You could:
A) Tell your partner, making yourself feel better because our culture taught us that the right thing to do is to tell the truth. This cultivates insecurities and questions of self worth in your partner that maybe lasting, damages an otherwise great relationship (usually permanently).
In this scenario, 3 things are damaged (hurt) you, your partner, and the relationship.
B) Assuming that what you did was truly unintentional and you are going to not put yourself in the same circumstances, you keep it to yourself, preserving your partners happiness and the relationship, while shouldering the guilt yourself. If you can do it and not act guilty than this is clearly better than option, "A" since only one person is hurt.
C) You can continue cheating or putting yourself in the same circumstances that caused the mess while not telling your partner to preserve their feelings and the relationship. (Asshole)
Society's expectations a side, I believe, "B" is the best option. If you feel guilty the punishment should be the guilt you feel. Your partner shouldn't have to bear the pain of your mistake. That being said, I would hate if my partner cheated on me and didn't tell me. But if I never learned it would be as if it didn't happen. It's that whole, "if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" question. If you cheat on your partner and they don't know, relative to their knowledge, did you cheat? I think not. (relative to you, you did of course).
I'd love to hear your opinions. This is something that is highly debatable.
*I also assume and believe that cheating is never morally right, regardless of partner's actions. Unless you posit some outlandish hypothetical.*
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
New Girlfriend, Old Girlfriend
My blog was disabled for a few days because my previous post was labeled as a terms of service violation for spam. I appealed it after reading how spam is described realizing that I wasn't in violation and now I'm back!!
Anyway the reason for this post is to let you all know that I have a new girlfriend who used to be my girlfriend a little over a year ago. She came over and we went mini golfing and to eat. I had a lot of fun and I was planning to ask her out again. Eventually when she was talking about leaving to go home soon I asked her. She took a long time in answering. Our original break up was traumatic and sudden for her. I was depressed and I thought that if I ended the relationship things would get better. Ever since I broke up with her I realized how awesome she was.
Anyway after I asked her she didn't answer immediately. Honestly, after I asked I was happy to have just gotten it off of my chest. I have (I guess it would be had now) a few other opportunities. Getting rid of that wondering feeling was a load off. We talked over her concerns, "How can I trust you won't do the same thing again?" and, "Will we be able to do it long distance?" I felt a little grimy trying to convince her, and I told her. As for the distance issue I told her it would be tough, living 90 minutes apart, but I know it's worth trying.
She seemed to be looking into the future, at the eventual break up (assuming we break up). Citing all different paths that our lives may take and how our relationship may not last.
It feels like I should have been discouraged by the indecision, but I wasn't and I think it's because I had options. Her saying no wouldn't have been the end of the world.
I think that's important, having options. Dating should be like managing a stock portfolio. It's way risky to be invested entirely in one stock. Smart individuals diversify. Multiple times my world fell apart because I've shunned all other women because of my interest in one, and when it didn't work out I was devastated.
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