Monday, January 16, 2012

Well, that didn't work out

So my relationship with my girlfriend lasted for all of 9 days.  It's wasn't working too well because she lived over an hour away and was working constantly.  I could tell that it was coming before that.  She didn't seem as enthused as I did about being together.  Every time I would make an attempt to arrange a time for us to see each other, something else would come up.  Which to a point is understandable; we both have very full schedules, but after a while one has to start to wonder...

So I did, I began where I was on her priorities list as compared to where I placed her on mine.  And I made the prediction that she didn't really want to be with me.  We had made a few plans to see each other, all of which she would cancel so that I wouldn't be able to make any alternative plans.  Several times I was left at home sitting doing nothing particular.

I've seen this type of attitude before and it indicates that that person doesn't want to see you.  Regardless of the rigidness of one's schedule, you can always find time to do something you want to do.  If that weren't the case, procrastination or hobbies wouldn't exist for those who have a, "full" schedule.

Anyway I caught on quick.  It worked like this: we would make plans, and I would let her know when exactly I would be coming (or ask her what time she would be coming) the day of, and she would (this is via text) take a long time to respond, so long at times that I would have to ask again, and then I'd hear an excuse.

I broke up with her saying like, if you aren't sure about this then it probably isn't right to be together (via text, she was at work).  The next day, she called and told me that it wasn't working for her.  I guess I was too subtle the night before.

We talked for a little while.  I told her the truth, how I felt about her.  That she was an awesome girlfriend the first time around.  I wasn't audibly upset because I saw it coming, but I was still bummed out.   I had already associated the song Cinema (Skrillex remix) with her and that sucked because it is an amazing song and now I think about her when I hear it.

Later that night she called me back telling me she made a mistake and that she wanted me back.  Normally my pride wouldn't allow that to happen, to be at the whim of another's feelings, but I could tell that she wasn't being genuine. So I took her back.  I did, not because I was hoping for it to work, but because I think that she was trying to get rid of the guilt of ending the relationship.  I detest people doing stuff like that, so I decided to play her game.  On the other hand, if I'm wrong, maybe things would work out.

So right now we are together technically.  We don't talk much, we haven't seen each other.  And she does the same thing where we make plans and she breaks them so close to the time that I can't do anything instead.  Basically, I'm hoping that she learns not to use other people to get rid of her guilt.

The reason that I think she's motivated by selfish interests (getting rid of her guilt) is because it's normal to feel guilty after breaking up with someone, and the easiest way to get rid of guilt is to make the reason why the couple isn't together the other persons fault.  So if I were to say, "no, we cannot be together, live with your choice"  I would essentially be saying, "we are not together by my choice now".  All the responsibility is shifted from one party to the other.

Friday, January 6, 2012

On Cheating

Sorry I haven't made a post in a while.  I found a time sapping website that, I won't name to save you all.  Thank me later.

Anyway, I couldn't sleep last night.  You've probably have had this happen on occasion, where your brain decides to think about and contemplate everything about everything.  Anyway I got to thinking about cheating and what one should do after one cheats.

I'm not going to color anyone's opinion and say whether I have or haven't cheated.  If I haven't it's implied that I believe I'm better than that, if I haven't then some may see me as morally despicable.  That being said, I don't believe anyone is above cheating because circumstances play heavily into whether one cheats or not.  I do believe that individuals have control over what circumstances they get themselves in (you chose to go to the lingerie party, take a few more shots of tequila, etc).

I believe that everyone has their tipping point where they will cheat.  I don't believe when someone says that they will never cheat.  I perceive that statement as naive because it implies that you have complete control over your actions and can make informed decisions no matter what.  That means those who claim that they wound never cheat should be able to drunk drive without any increased risk.  I'm not saying everyone is equally prone to cheating, but everyone has the capacity to, and given the right circumstances will cheat, regardless of .

That being said, what I really am curious about is what should one do after one cheats?

This question is not as black and white as, "tell her/him" or, "don't tell her/him".  There is extensive interplay of factors, three of which I identify as: intent has to be considered the significant other's feelings, and your guilt.

When I first started talking about this with one of my friends months ago and subsequently thought about it last night I assumed that guilt of the act would be universal meaning everyone would feel bad about what they did to some varying extent.  I no that this is not true in all cases, but in most it is and it's the case that is most interesting.

Assuming one feels guilt after the act, our culture has taught us that the best thing to do is to tell the truth, to be morally sound.  It's assumed that, in doing this, the guilt will be relieved, and the relationship hurt (at least the perception of the relationship on your partner's end will be hurt, you coming clean is an attempt to restore honesty to the relationship, even if your intent is to end the relationship by revealing your transgressions).  I see this act as selfish.

The main reasons for telling your partner that you cheated is to relieve your own guilt and restore the honesty in the relationship.  That's just your perspective.  In your partner's perspective, there is nothing wrong assuming your guilt hasn't manifested in other ways and your transgression isn't symptom of some larger problem with the relationship.  In any case, you being honest only helps yourself and not your partner.

This is the hypothetical I think about when making my assertion that coming clean isn't a good idea:

You love your partner, but you drink too much one night and some girl is all over you and with your reduced ability to make sound decisions, you cheat.  You wake up the next morning with deep regret and guilt.  Your partner who thinks everything is fine and trusts you wakes up wherever she lives thinking everything is hunky dory.  You could:

A) Tell your partner, making yourself feel better because our culture taught us that the right thing to do is to tell the truth.  This cultivates insecurities and questions of self worth  in your partner that maybe lasting, damages an otherwise great relationship (usually permanently).
In this scenario, 3 things are damaged (hurt) you, your partner, and the relationship.

B) Assuming that what you did was truly unintentional and you are going to not put yourself in the same circumstances, you keep it to yourself, preserving your partners happiness and the relationship, while shouldering the guilt yourself.  If you can do it and not act guilty than this is clearly better than option, "A" since only one person is hurt.

C) You can continue cheating or putting yourself in the same circumstances that caused the mess while not telling your partner to preserve their feelings and the relationship.  (Asshole)

Society's expectations a side, I believe, "B" is the best option.  If you feel guilty the punishment should be the guilt you feel.  Your partner shouldn't have to bear the pain of your mistake.  That being said, I would hate if my partner cheated on me and didn't tell me.  But if I never learned it would be as if it didn't happen.  It's that whole, "if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" question.  If you cheat on your partner and they don't know, relative to their knowledge, did you cheat?  I think not.  (relative to you, you did of course).

I'd love to hear your opinions.  This is something that is highly debatable.

*I also assume and believe that cheating is never morally right, regardless of partner's actions.  Unless you posit some outlandish hypothetical.*

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Personality Disorder Test

So I took this personality disorder test and, well...

Paranoid Disorder:Very High
Schizoid Disorder:Very High
Schizotypal Disorder:Very High
Antisocial Disorder:High
Borderline Disorder:Very High
Histrionic Disorder:High
Narcissistic Disorder:Very High
Avoidant Disorder:High
Dependent Disorder:Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:Moderate

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --
-- Personality Disorders --

The results, to put it nicely, are a little concerning.  Luckily, I don't put much faith in online personality tests.  The idea that someone's personality can be accurately defined if they answer 50 or so yes or no questions is highly unlikely.  I mean, if that is true why do psychologists need to go to college and obtain degrees?  If diagnosing problems were so black and white that they can be made with a level of certainty based off of some general questions, a good portion of the reason why psychologists go to college would be made obsolete.  The only thing left to do is to prescribe the medication.  That task could be easily absorbed by a regular physician.

I think the only legitimate concern that this test is strong enough to instill in me is that all of my diagnoses are negative which makes it seem likely that there is something psychologically wrong, not necessarily as much as the test results indicate, but something nonetheless.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Book Ideas

I want to write a book as I made known in my New Years Resolution post.  Somehow I came across some reading material about the super villain, Mister Mxyzptlk.  I think I actually searched for him, I forget my motivations now.  Anyway, the best way that I can describe Mister Mxyptlk (wiki link) is a 5th dimensional trickster.  I don't claim to know much about comic books, I haven't read more than a handful in my lifetime, but this villain interests me.

That eventually got me reading IGN's top 100 Villains, I'm at #58 right now.  For the most part these villains have pretty similar powers, where they become intriguing is their back story.  I found myself liking villains that had more of a plausible (I use plausible in a very loose sense, since I am talking about super villains) back story that gave motivation for their actions.

With the idea that what makes a villain attractive isn't their powers but their motivations.  I think writing a story of how a super villain came into being with special care spent on developing an ethos that is highly believable could make for a good story.  I'm really in the beginning stages, but take any villain you are familiar with and think back to when they were a child.  How did this child grow up into the evil that s/he is as an adult?  The same can be done for superheros, but since they are lasting characters (as opposed to how villains are slain or banished) they have a better developed back story.

Maybe just a story about a modern day villain.  Someone who doesn't have as much destructive power as the comic book ones, but a villain that is locally feared, whatever the locale may be.  I guess my goal would be to create a back story that justifies why the villain is the way s/he is so that the reader is completely sympathetic with the villain despite disapproving the actions.

Think, Kick-Ass, except it never gets outrageous.  What I mean is that I thought that the events were relatively plausible until the jet packs and rocket launchers made their appearances.

I have only a very tenuous idea of my goal, and have no idea how to start the story or how to advance it in a believable manner.  I would love to hear your suggestions!  As always, thanks for your input.